NPC Match 14 – Southampton 3 Middlesbrough 0

I Wanna Look Like Chappers

Middlesbrough at home in another tough home game and another severe test to our 18 games winning run or whatever it is. They’ve only lost one game all season and the only reason they’re not higher than their current 3^rd place is because of the number of draws, specifically 0-0 draws that they’ve had. They don’t score many and they don’t let in many either. Boro legend Tony Mowbray is a manager who seems like a really decent bloke who wants his teams to get it down and pass it so we should see some decent football today, unlike the West Ham hoof-fest.

As I said in the start of season preview, think of Boro and I think of Gareth Southgate who is so dull, he makes Alan Shearer seem interesting. Pre-Gareth I think of Schteve McLaren of course who got the England job based on a couple of freak results in Europe and before that, Bryan Robson and the time they legendarily decided not to play a game as they had a few injuries… three points docked and relegated. I also remember a game at The Dell when we were 3-1 up with a minute to go and they had 9 men… and we managed to get a draw.

We had a right to moan that day and unbelievably, moaning has been back on the agenda this week. I’ve read moans about the Carling Cup exit with a weakened team and moaning about how we haven’t won an away game for a while. Best of all, I heard some bloke on talkSHITE moaning about everything to the incredulity of the presenters who quite reasonably, expected Saints fans to be happy right now. Personally, I’m delighted with where we are and anyone who expects it to all be perfect is at best deluded. Yeah, we all have the right to moan but if you do, don’t be surprised if not many people are listening to you right now. Can’t wait for the first time we drop a point at home… Mick McCarthy has had a go at some Wolves supporters with short memories this week and he is spot on…. every club has them. Every SFC moaner should be forced to watch the Season review of the Poortvliet / Woote season, which they can’t do because we didn’t produce one as we were that shit.

We have a few changes from our last league match with Danny Butterfield replacing Frazer Golac at right back and Adam Lallana returning to the left wing, meaning Chappers moved to the right and the Gulyman went up front meaning David Connolly dropping to the bench. Jose Fonte had recovered from the ‘about to get sent off’ injury that he had last week. There was no place on the bench yet for Lee Barnard and so Connolly was joined by Steve de Ridder and Morgan along with the bench ever-presents, Aaron Martin and Bart.

Middlesbrough had ex-Saint Scott MacDonald up front who I remember mainly from a program about our youth players from that era and he came across as a complete Billy Big Bollocks. He’s done alright for himself though and would be a threat today, as would their top scorer, Marvin Emnes. Boro lined up n a 3-5-2 formation which I expected to cause us a few issues in midfield.

First to show was Jack Cork who embarked on a twisting run past a couple of players before he was unceremoniously halted on the edge of the box. Sir Rickie looked like he was going to thrash it goalwards but instead, stood up a chip to the totally unmarked Fonte who was apparently offside. The fact that he was unmarked was the interesting thing. Attack followed attack and we won a corner which Lallana floated in, Big Jos headed down and Jose span and smashed it narrowly over the bar. There were encouraging signs that the much vaunted Boro defence really weren’t all that good at all.

Final proof of that fact was delivered on 15 minutes when Deano swept a ball out to Butters on the right wing and he pinged in a cross from miles out, over Sir Rickie but straight onto the head of the unmarked Gulyman who planted his header into the top corner as the keeper watched for 1-0.

Boro looked a little shellshocked to be fair and weren’t winning the midfield battle at all despite having an extra player in there. On 25, Sir Rickie tried to slide in Chappers who’d made a superb run forwards but he got tackled and the ball came out to Lallana on the left. His cross to the back stick was met by the unmarked Sir Rickie who headed across for the Gulyman to head his second goal from about 3 yards out and about a foot off the ground. 2-0 up and we’re having a laugh.

Marvin Emnes is a tricky little player and he warned us against complacency with a neat little run and was denied by a well timed rush from his line by Superkelv who took the ball cleanly. There is always a player on the opposition who gets a special award and so today’s Opposition Bell-End of the Week is Barry Robson who got tackled by Danny Fox and then spent a bit of time moaning at the linesman and pointing to his heel. When he got nothing he carried on moaning at the lino and a few team mates and then, having being told to wait for the whistle, took a free kick too quickly and got himself booked.

It was all Saints though and Butters fired in another deep cross which Sir Rickie met well and headed it just the wrong side of the post. The Gulyman should really have claimed the match ball a minute later as Lallana slipped him in and his scuffed, bobbly effort beat the keeper, hit the inside of the post and stayed out.

Boro had a couple of chances before half time as McMahon hammered a free kick just wide after Big Jos had fouled McDonald who had a chance himself, right on the whistle as he rounded Superkelv but ran out of pitch and angle before hitting the side netting. ‘Do, do-da-do, fucking useless’ sang the Northam which was a bit harsh but funny nonetheless.

We had reached half time and looked in no bother at all, Deano and Corky were ruling the midfield and Sir Rickie and the Gulyman were terrifying them up front. At the back we looked in no trouble at all and the wide players were all doing sterling jobs in both defence and attack. In short, we were fucking great. The half time piss always feels better when you are half way through it and you find out that the Skates are 3-0 down. There’s a certain symmetry with the Skates getting stuffed and watching piss flow down the drain.

We’re straight back at it after half time with Sir Rickie heading a ball on and Chappers heading down and in from an offside position though there is a slight concern that the Gulyman is limping a bit and after 10 minutes he makes way for David Connolly. Connolly’s first real action is to catch one of their defenders daydreaming before he clears it and feed Corky who advances and hits a screamer towards the top corner which Steele does well to tip wide for a corner.

Middlesbrough finally get a bit of possession around our box and win a couple of corners but all this does is leave them open to the counter attack and we have a one man counter attacking machine in Bald Psycho who runs fully 80 yards with the ball, loses it in the Boro penalty area, before winning it back again and crossing. Jose Fonte has somehow made it up from the back and thrown himself in front of a defender to knock it goalwards with his knee but the keeper is becoming increasingly irritating and saves it again. Sub time and Chappers looks absolutely knackered but it’s not him coming off as Adam Lallana is replaced with Morgan Schneiderlin.

The game drifted on with Saints being the better side by a mile and Middlesbrough not really threatening. Mowbray made a couple of subs to little effect and Morgan broke up a Boro attack on the edge of our box. Virtually all the outfield players got a touch over the next 23 passes before Chappers put Sir Rickie away on the left with pass 24 and he beat the defender, got to the goal line and waited for someone to make themselves available. Predictably, that player was Connolly, pass 25, bang, 3-0, game over, fantastic goal.

Boro had a couple of half chances in the last 10 minutes and Superkelv had to be alert to keep out a header from one of their subs but his best bit of play was to come out to the edge of his box and head a through ball straight to Fox on the left, whilst all the Saints fans in the crowd, shut their eyes and prayed.

There was still time for Steve de Ridder to come on in place of Deano and fire in a cross which Sir Rickie met superbly on the volley. It flew like a missile, heading for the top corner until the bastard goalkeeper Steele took off and tipped it round the post again. Annoying fucker – he was complete crap in the first half and looked completely lost and in the second half he’s Gordon Banks (the pre-car crash Gordon Banks). Full time.

A stunningly good performance really and I really hope that moaning bastard is on talkSHITE again this week. Maybe he can moan about his pie being too hot or the dispensers in the toilets running out of paper towels. You sure can’t moan about the football as it was superb. We played more long balls today than usual but this was clearly tactical as a weakness in the air at the back had clearly been identified, hence playing the tall Brazilian instead of the small Leprechaun up front. Having said that, the long balls weren’t aimless hoofs upfield a la Allardyce and there was still a lot of play through midfield. A 26 pass goal kind of illustrates that this team can do both. I laughed when I saw that some Boro fans were complaining that the tackle that won the ball before the 26 passes, should have been their free kick. Fuck me lads, you only had about 5 minutes to win the ball back before we scored. How about blaming the defender who let Sir Rickie waltz round him.

Nigel was buzzing afterwards, especially over the performance of Chappers. Aside from the Barnsley game where he got sent off in an act of Bald Psycho red mist, Chappers has been quality this season either when starting or coming on from the bench. He’s played all the midfield positions as well and has set a really high standard. The midfield was superb today with the return of Adam Lallana a major plus. OK, he tackled himself a few times and looked a bit rusty but the panic in the opposition when he’s on the ball is what it’s all about and despite it being his first game for a while, he provided an assist for the 2^nd goal and played the pass for the Gulyman to hit the post. … and he makes Messi look shite, oh yes!. The first time I heard that chant I thought it was about him messing with shite and I wondered how the Northam all knew about it. Mention must go to Jose Fonte as well who I thought had his best game of the season.

As Chappers was man of the match, he got interviewed afterwards and all the internet articles have taken his quotes… and twisted them horribly. He didn’t say anything controversial about Darren Ferguson, didn’t say anything about him being a knob or a twat or a man who is impossible to like or anything like that… but Tuesday’s match v Peterborough has meant that some quotes, probably from 2 years ago have been stuck into some articles. Regardless of this, Fergie Lite will hopefully get a complete battering on Tuesday night.

I expect there will be a few changes with Tuesday with probably Frazer and Morgan getting in somewhere. Go on you moaning bastard, get yourself back on the radio.

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