Sean Allar-Dyche Total Football Dream Team

If I could pick one team in the Premier League and just
relegate them that would be Burnley. I don’t like the way they play football and
whilst they have players like Jack Cork who I do like, they also have Ashley
Barnes who has a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp whilst licking piss off a
stinging nettle. Last year they qualified for Europe and the football world
collectively sighed at how the team such as this could represent England in
European football. I didn’t last long because at the start of the season they
are absolutely dreadful but they have recovered somewhat recently in the
Premier League and much like ourselves, it doesn’t look like they are serious
contenders to get relegated.

Ralph has been turning up on TV a bit this week as the broadcasters realise
that there may be a bit of a story happening outside the top six. I watched Football
Focus this morning and the first question on the Ralph feature was about Jurgen
Klopp. Some things never fucking change. There’s a bit of a story happening
down at Southampton but let’s talk about Liverpool anyway.  Disrespectful.

In the week, transfer deadline day had been and gone and we had signed
precisely no one which to me anyway, it’s perfectly acceptable. Ralph and the
board have clearly made a decision that we have enough to stay up this year and
that the players leaving this window were all surplus to requirements. Ralph
would not have taken the job if it depended on us signing players in January so
therefore, I am perfectly happy to except the situation and we will build in
the summer.

What is odd is that since Ralph took over and things have taken a turn for the
better, it has got progressively harder not to get disillusioned with reading Saints
fans opinions on Twitter. We have ridiculous meltdowns about us not signing any
players when it was stated on several occasions that our squad was too big. We
have Nathan Redmond haters despite him being our best player all season and
last week I even saw one of our own fans accusing JWP of racism in the Zaha
sending off incident which is complete and utter bollocks. Smash that block
button.  Have a different opinion… no
problem with that but some people are just dicks for the sake of it.

To today and the big news was that Pierre Hojbjerg had clearly not recovered
from the bang on the head he got against Crystal Palace. Into the side came
Callum Slattery for his Premier League debut. Elsewhere, Armstrong was restored
to the side and JWP was switched to right wing back. I’m really not sure how
that’s going to work but it’s good to have both Armstrong and JWP in the team.
On the bench, the recently returned from loan Alfie Jones was on the head of Kayne
Ramsey and Charlie Austin returns in place of Sam Gallagher after not being
sold in the transfer window. I have a strong belief that Austin was never ever
seriously going to leave and he is going to see out the remaining year and a
half of his Saints contract and then leave on a free. Why would he leave when
living near his family, living near his horses and earning £60k a week. Is he
that arsed about being a first-team regular? Just throwing that one out there.

The Burnley headline was that Peter Crouch was on the bench as Dyche obviously
couldn’t pass up the opportunity in the transfer window  to have a 6 foot 7 striker to go with the 6
foot 4 strikers he already has.

We start confidently and play the ball out of defence to Armstrong, to Targett
and he tried to hit the forward run and possibly more by luck than design, he
bends a super ball in between the right back and centre back and Ings is clean
through.  With the ball bouncing nicely
he tries to lift over Heaton but succeeds only in putting it straight at him
and he gets in the way. The action isn’t over there as the ball goes to Mee and
Slattery comes crunching in with a horrible tackle, misses the ball by miles
but somehow gets away with it and isn’t booked.

We are trying to play football when we get the ball under control but most the
time it’s waiting for the ball to come down covered in fucking snow as Burnley,
with Wood and Barnes up front, haven’t really got much time for subtlety.

Nothing much happens until Ings collapses on the ground with no one near him
and has obviously done something, again. Off he goes to be replaced by the
newly prolific Shane Long with one goal in his last two games which sounds good
when compared with three goals in his last 700 games. You can make stats say
whatever you want!

Then, a long ball over the top surprise surprise and Barnes chases it. McCarthy
comes out somewhat hesitantly, doesn’t get the ball and Barnes falls over his
legs. The referee isn’t giving a penalty and is striding driving over like he
is about to book the chewy wasp faced bulldog piss licking arsehole. Bearing in
mind that he is about to be booked for diving, it would probably be for the
best to not go over on a full rant at the linesman but he does and then he goes
Full mental at the referee after he gets booked and is probably somewhat lucky
to escape with one yellow card. I wish Andre Marriner was refereeing again. The
general consensus on this is that it is a clear penalty but personally, I don’t
think this is as clear cut as everyone is making out to be.

Half-time and yet again, it is a bit of a painful game to watch but we played
okay and Ashley Barnes is severely wound up which is good news and also, quite
funny.

We start the second half really well and nearly take the lead when Targett’s
corner from the right is flicked on by someone and booted off the line by
Bardsley. We have another chance straight afterwards with Redmond winning the
ball, Slattery putting Targett away on the left and his cross being met well by
JWP, coming in off the right wing and forcing Heaton into a sprawling save.
After three years of risk averse football, it is great to see players in the
box when the cross comes over.

Once again we attack with Stephens bringing the ball out of defence, finding Bednarek
and his pass forward finds Redmond. Nathan Redmond 2019 turns and runs at the
defence, beats Cork and then smashes it right-footed into the bottom corner of
the net past Heaton from 20 yards. What a fucking goal.  Nathan Redmond 2018 would not have done that.

Now they’ve gone behind, Dyche reaches deep into his tactical bag of tricks and
makes a tactical tweak which basically means launching the ball even more but
getting more players over 6 foot 4 in the box. The referee is suddenly having a
fucking mare as far as we are concerned with clear offsides not been given and
now the Crouch is on, it’s clearly allowable just to hold everybody down whilst
you jump. One such foul by Crouch results on the ball dropping for wasp face to
smash the ball straight to McCarthy from point blank range but luckily it hits
him and stays out.

I have to say the Barnes then produces a brilliant effort as a long cross from
the left is headed down to him and he hit it on the volley and it hits the angle
of post and crossbar. Brilliant effort from the bulldog piss faced one.  We make a substitution with Redmond coming
off to be replaced by Austin. I’m not entirely sure why Ralph is done that as
we have taken off a very hard-working player and replaced him with the opposite.

92 minutes played and just one final launch into the box to survive and it comes
towards Crouch and Jack Stephens, for reasons only known to him, jumps for the
header with his arm straight up in the air above his head. With his eyes shut,
a combination of Crouch and himself manage to head the ball against his own arm
and it looks like a clear penalty on first look and after giving us the benefit
of the doubt in the first half, Anthony Taylor is not about to do it again and
so he gives it. Of course, it’s that prick Ashley Barnes to take it and he drills
it to McCarthy’s left and he doesn’t even move and two points disappear down
the shitter. We managed to kick off and then it’s full time.

First, the sour grapes. I fucking hate Burnley. I hate the way they play I hate
the limited smash the ball into the box approach that they have got. I hate
Ashley Barnes. I hate Sean Dyche And the fact that he is held up in some sort
of managerial Guru when he’s no better than Sam fucking Allardyce. I hate the fact
that they sign Peter Crouch as if they haven’t got enough 6 foot 4+ centre
forwards. I hate the fact that we can never fucking beat them at Turf Moor
despite them being so incredibly limited. It’s like fucking Wimbledon in the
80s without the entertainment of Vinnie Jones kicking the fuck out of
everybody. Instead of Vinny they have Ashley Barnes who is just a prick. I’m a
big fan of him imploring the referee to make Alex McCarthy get on with kicking
the ball out and then deliberately standing in front of Alex to stop him
kicking the ball out. Fucking moron.

There are two ways of looking at the penalty incident at the end of the game.
On first view – Jack Stephens. What the fuck was he doing? That was a really
good performance by us with everybody including him putting in a really solid
94 minutes of effort in a tough game against tough opposition at a difficult
ground to go to and he virtually undid all the good work with a real ‘what the
fuck’ moment. Just head the fucking ball. It was a meat and drink centre back
header. The striker wasn’t in front of him and it was just a case of attacking
the ball and heading it into the night sky but no, it’s flap around with your
arms like a fucking budgie and give a penalty away. I know you have to use your
arms as leverage but they don’t go straight up in the air like that for fuck’s
sake. If he hadn’t had his arms in the air, then the referee would probably
have given a push by Crouch but it’s just like diving into a tackle in that you
make it incredibly easy for the referee to give a decision against you.

So – that was my first reaction but pretty soon after the game, pictures began
to emerge of what actually went on in the penalty area and what went on was
that Crouch jumped holding Stephens down and yanking his shirt which basically
meant Stephens fell backwards which would of course make your arms go up in the
air. I’m in two minds over it. I can’t help but feel that if Stephens wasn’t so
weak in the air, he would’ve just headed the ball away anyway but, it’s a clear
foul by the centre forward so Stephens is a little bit unlucky.  I can now understand why he was giving the
referee some after the game.