Stop press, England want to offer Gareth Southgate
a new contract to take him up to 2024. Do we never learn anything? Didn’t we do
this with Fabio Capello and then we absolutely stunk in the World Cup in 2010
and then couldn’t get rid of him because it would’ve cost too much money? It’s
absolutely ludicrous to even think about offering Southgate a new contract
until this tournament is over. Fuck me, if we go out and play shit negative
football and get beaten by the Germans on Tuesday, then this will have been a
tournament played exclusively at Wembley and we will have sucked ass both in
reality and in public perception. Just no. Don’t fucking do it.

Day 14 Saturday 26th June – Wales 0 Denmark 4, Italy 2 Austria 0

Moving on – In the 1998 World Cup, there was a round after the first
group stage which had 16 teams in it and it was called “The Second Round”. In
that round, England lost to Argentina on penalties when David Beckham kicked Simeone
up the arse.  The point of bringing this
up is that it is no longer called the Second Round but the Round of 16 which as
you know, is the number of teams that should’ve been in the tournament in the
first place. We don’t call it the Round of Eight or the Round of Four, when we
get to the quarter-finals and semi-finals and there’s never been a Round of 32
anywhere. I don’t know why but it just annoys me.

A bit like the coverage of the Welsh in this tournament. Every time we get a
studio full of Welsh people – Gabby Logan, Ashley Williams, Hal Robson-Turmeric-Supplements-Kanu
and ex-Saints legend Mark Hughes. On top of that, we get Robbie “The Prick’s Prick”
Savage on co-commentary, with insightful comments like “wow” and “phew”. Ryan
Giggs is nowhere to be seen. Surprise that! It’s like he doesn’t exist.

Savage had a little bit to get excited about in the first 20 minutes as Wales
started the better and Bale put a long-range drive narrowly wide. Denmark
sussed out the way Wales were playing and tweaked their formation and from that
moment on, it was simply a case of how many Denmark would win by. It’s safe to
say that they absolutely pissed it. Four goals to nil and Wales lost their shit
at the end and started hacking into people. The ball started rolling at the end
of the first half with Maehle and Damsgaard combining to release Dolberg who rifled
a superb shot into the bottom corner from 25 yards. The second goal was game
over and there is an element of controversy about it because it was probably a
free-kick to Wales up the other end of the pitch but maybe instead of worrying
about that, they could’ve actually done some defending and it might have been
helpful when the cross came into the box, if Neco Williams hadn’t tried to use
the left foot that he clearly hasn’t got and hadn’t spammed it back across his
own goal for Dolberg to make it 2-0. The third goal from Maehle confirmed that
he has been one of the best players in this tournament. As an aside, it’s interesting
that he got linked with Southampton last year – I think he may be out of our
£10 million price range by now.  

Harry Wilson, who is a horrible little shithouse, then decided that he would hack
Maehle down in full flight with no interest whatsoever in the ball and then
looked surprised when the referee sent him off. To be fair you don’t usually
get sent off for this sort of tackle as it wasn’t dangerous as such but I have
no problem with players getting sent off for challenges where they are about 10
yards from the ball and just deliberately taking a player out.  Denmark scored a fourth through Braithwaite in
the last couple of minutes and this was particularly hilarious because there
was a very long VAR check, so Wales had to wait around a good few minutes at
the end of a game that they had already lost, just to find out if they’d lost
it by more.

Back to the studio for some Taff-punditry, which of course focused on the
potential foul in the build up to the second goal and the fact that in the
build up for the same goal, it might have gone out of play.  They showed a replay of Braithwaite clearly
keeping the ball in play and then went back to the pundits who said “well that
looked out”.  No it fucking didn’t you
twat. Then we had “no excuses but…“  and
then all the excuses about having to travel more than the Denmark team were
wheeled out.  Yeah, Denmark have had it
far easier than Wales.. they had a player nearly die on the pitch… shut up!

Interim manager Rob Page gave an interview which he will probably regret later.
 He seemed to be implying that it was
totally unfair because they were the better side for the first 20 minutes until
the Denmark manager changed his tactics. That’s how football works you fucking League
Two idiot. Manager spots a problem and changes it so team is better. Surprising
that no one is discussing one of the ready-made excuses, which is that the
proper manager wasn’t there. Maybe the England team are filming a celebratory
video of Wales going out… But somehow I doubt it because we might not be very
good, but we are not a bunch of small time tinpot wankers.

Denmark are going to take some beating. They play as a team and are technically
very, very good. After all they’ve been through, all I can say is good luck to
them and I hope they go far. They play attacking football, have an astute
manager and have had to delve deep into their squad and just seem to be getting
better and better as the tournament goes on.

Italy against Austria should really have been a walk in the park for the Italians
but there was a question mark over them because the best team they had faced in
their group was Wales. However, tonight‘s opponents Austria, were pretty ropey
in their group games as well and qualified due to finishing above Ukraine and
North Macedonia so no big deal really. The first half was mainly all Italy but
they didn’t look like scoring. Lots of good play in midfield and then usually
getting into the final third and then losing the ball. The second-half carried
on in much the same vein with Austria coming more into it and it look like a
shock was on the cards and 75 minutes when Arnautovic headed in. It would’ve
been the first goal Italy conceded since about 1938 but if we go to VAR and the
goal is correctly ruled out. The decision is undoubtedly correct and it’s made
all the more funny because it’s Arnautovic of course. Into extra time we went
and Mancini brought on Chiesa for the misfiring Berardi and it was the sub who
opened the scoring, producing a really smart finish from the right and side of
the box, nodding the ball backwards to create himself an angle and they’re
smashing it in first time with his left foot. Another sub Passina, made it 2-0
not long after that and so the Austrian challenge fizzled out. To be fair, they
acquitted themselves pretty well but it’s the Italians who go on to play the
winner of the very interesting looking Belgium versus Portugal game.

Day 15 – Sunday 27th June – Netherlands 0 Czech Republic 2, Belgium 1
Portugal 0

Like the Italians, the Dutch have got this far, winning three games out of
three and not playing anyone any good. They also, like the Italians, have
played all of their games at home and this was their first trip somewhere else
in Europe, to Budapest to take on the Czech Republic who had of course
qualified in third place in England’s group. I got the impression that the
Dutch thought they were going to steam roller this but one thing that was
apparent was that they weren’t playing as a team where is the Czech’s really
were, defending as a unit and attacking with purpose. 0-0 at half time and then
10 minutes into the second-half, the defining moment as Malen got clean through
and ran in on goal with just a goalkeeper to beat.  He tried to go round him instead of slotting
it and Vaslik pulled off a good old fashion block at the forwards feet.  Straight from that the ball went up the other
end and de Ligt should’ve dealt with it but he slipped over and with Schick
about to run through on goal he shovelled it back with his hand. The referee initially
just booked him, VAR got involved, correctly sent the ref to the monitor and he
decided on second viewing that it denied a clear goalscoring opportunity, so off
he went. Technology and referee working perfectly to quickly get the right
decision.

That shouldn’t necessarily have meant that the Dutch caved in but manager Frank
de Boer royally fucked up by keeping five at the back with a back three of De Vrij,
Blind and van Aanholt. The Czech’s had already looked dangerous from free kicks
with de Ligt on the pitch, so the Dutch could really have done without
Stekelenburg needlessly juggling the ball out of play and then van Aanholt
needlessly giving away a stupid fail from the corner. Over came the freekick,
headed back and there was Holes to thump a header past the defender on the
line. Stekelenburg should’ve been in goal but he made a half-arsed attempt to
try and catch the initial freekick and was way out of position. The Dutch
needed their big players to step up but the big players just did nothing. Frenkie
De Jong got all petulant and Memphis Depay didn’t seem to find a single Dutch
player with any of his passes. As it turned out the Czech’s broke again down
the left, pulled the ball back and there was Schick to sweep a superb left
footed finish first time in at the near post. Brilliant goal and a thoroughly
deserved win.

Portugal against Belgium was of course, the first real heavyweight clash of the
tournament and for the first half, it was fucking boring. Portugal’s default
mode is to be really, really dull and defensive and Belgium didn’t have the wit
to break them down. Just before half-time, Thorgan Hazard the Lesser, picked up
the ball on the left hand side about 30 yards out and just lashed it. Rui
Patricio took a step to his right which turned out to be fatal as the ball
moved a mile in the air and sped past him on the other side. Bit of a
goalkeeping error because the ball didn’t exactly go into the corner. From that
moment on, Portugal were a team transformed and threw the sink at it, throwing
on attacker after attacker to support the previously isolated Cristiano
Ronaldo.

It probably didn’t feel like it at the time but Belgium saw it out relatively
comfortably. The experience of Alderweireld, Vermaelen and Vertonghen, even
though they have an average age of about 37, did the job they were required to
do. Portugal hit the post through Guerreiro but other than that, Courtois was
barely called upon. Belgium go through to what should be a fantastic game
against Italy in the quarter-finals but will have to do it without Kevin De
Bruyne who was cynically taken out by some snide little arsehole called Paulinho
who Portugal had a midfield. They might also have to do without Eden Hazard the
Greater, who twinged one of his little fat hamstrings again. As the game ended,
Pepe went into “I’m 38 and I’m probably retiring and I don’t give a fuck“ mode
and started wiping players out but anyone who had “Pepe red card” on their
betting slip was ultimately disappointed.  Personally, I had “Ronaldo crying like a baby”
on my accumulator and I lost, as the great man managed to keep it in, this time.

Day 16 – Monday 28th June – Croatia 3 Spain 5 (aet), France 3 Switzerland 3
(4-5 pens)

I had a feeling that Croatia in Spain was going to be a decent game but for the
first half an hour, it didn’t really look like it. Croatia sat deep in Spain did
that pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, Morata, miss thing. Our favourite profligate
striker had a glorious chance with a free header from 5 yards out but chose
sideways instead of forwards and so the chance went begging. Hilariously,
Spanish wonderkid Pedri, then pinged a ball straight back to his own goalkeeper
and Simon totally missed it to put Croatia 1-0 in front. 40 yard own goal by
the 18-year-old. For fucks sake Simon! 
Whilst the masochist in me was hoping that it would be the only goal of
the game, it’s probably quite good for the mental well-being of the goalkeeper
that Spain equalised when The Croat keeper could only parry out a shot from the
left and there was Sarabia to ram it into the roof of the net.

The second-half started and it was all Spain with Ferran Torres on the left,
picking out Azpilicueta, who had continued his run after starting the move, with
a superb cross to make it 2-1. Spain suddenly turned into peak Xavi & Iniesta
Spain and it was soon 3-1, with a bizarre goal as they pinged a big diagonal
out to the right wing and Ferren Torres ran in front of the Croatian left back
and just walked unopposed to the goal before passing it into the corner. Game
over, or so we thought.

85 minutes gone and still nothing to see here until Modrić suddenly found
himself running in on the goalkeeper and following a spot of pinball, Orsic
managed to bundle it over the line. It wasn’t finished there then as we got to
92 minutes Orsic swung over a brilliant cross on the left-hand side and there
was Pasalic, totally unmarked to bullet the header past Simon to send us to
extra time.

Croatia had the first big chance of extra time as a ball pinged around in
Spanish box and fell to Kramaric, once of Leicester City, about 6 yards out he
managed to hit the goalkeeper when he had the whole goal to either side and
above him to hit. Great save, shite finish. Talking of shite finishers, at the
other end and across from the right wing by Olmo, was missed by the Croatian
right back and Morata is possessed by the spirit of something or someone decent,
brings it down and smashes it into the roof of the net for them to put the Spanish in
front again.  That’s it – the Spanish
score another goal as well which doesn’t matter because Croatia are now
officially done – they clearly missed the suspended “one of the best defenders in
the world”.

Having got my breath back from that game, it was time for France against
Switzerland which on paper, didn’t promise anything much. France have been
functional so far and Switzerland have been bang average. However, France
started the game very sluggishly and Switzerland looked bang up for it and it
was made much more interesting after 10 minutes when Zuber’s cross on the left
was superbly headed in by Seferovic. 
Deschamps is an interesting manager in that he chose today to totally
change the formation that France have been playing and the back three off of Verane,
Lenglet and Kimpembe, played like they had never met each other before. With Rabiot
out of position on the left and Pavard not pushing forward, the midfield two of
Kante and Pogba were getting overrun, with Granit Xhaka being the star of the
show.


In the second half, we got to see the real France for 20 minutes but only after
Switzerland are awarded and miss a penalty, awarded for a quite ridiculous
challenge by Pavard on Zuber which the ref gave after a VAR check.  Rodriguez’ penalty though was one of those
where if Lloris goes the right way then he saves it and sure enough, he did. 10
minutes later and France are 3-1 up. First Griezmann put Benzema through and he
produced a ridiculous bit of  skill to
get the ball in front of him before poking into the net. Next up, a shot by
substitute Griezmann, was deflected up in the air and there was Benzema to nod in
from virtually under the bar and then Pogba. 
He’s an enigma and he’s not everyone’s cup of tea but fuck me, did he
produce something quite ridiculously brilliant, bending a shot into the top
corner from about 30 yards.  Like Pogba. France
looked absolutely brilliant and it all went a bit showboat and everyone was
talking about the quarter-final against Spain, which made what happened next
even more funny.

3-2 with 10 minutes to go as a cross from the right wing was powerfully headed
home again by Seferovic.  You would have
thought that Varane and Kimpembe would have good enough memories to remember
that half an hour ago, this guy scored when completely unmarked.  It still look like the Swiss we’re going to
run out of time, then Pogba pissed around in midfield and lost the ball, one
pass from Xhaka and substitute Gavranovic easily stepped round Kimpembe, who totally
sold himself, and fired into the corner to send it to extra time but not before
Coman went up the other end and hit the bar.  Not a lot happened in extra time, so penalties
it was.

Now, bearing in mind Switzerland’s first choice penalty taker was absolutely
shocking, I was expecting France to win this comfortably but Switzerland went
first and the first nine kicks were all comfortably scored and then up steps
Mbappe.  He’d been shite today with most
of the French attacks breaking down on him, usually through him holding the
ball too long and trying a shot which was inevitably blocked. Could he score a
penalty with the eyes of the world on him? Nope, Jan Sommer guessed right and
saved it and so the Swiss go through to play Spain in the quarter-finals after
all.  It’s always nice when the
favourites go out isn’t it – especially when they’ve pissed it away.