With no goals in their last seven hours of football, Middlesbrough must be licking their lips with anticipation at playing Southampton this Sunday afternoon. Saints of course kept to clean sheet in their last game, so it’s all adding up to there being absolutely no chance of that being repeated.

Middlesbrough have been in the top two all the season, having maybe been expected to be aiming for the playoffs this season, but these four games without a goal have seen them dropped to 3rd place as Ipswich have overhauled them. They started the season with Rob Edwards in charge, who didn;t deserve that job in the first place, and then he fucked off to go and manage Wolves to their inevitable relegation from the Premier League. The replacement was Kim Hellberg, who started pretty well – probably with the momentum from Edwards, but has since found that the honeymoon period is well and truly over. Fans expectations this season would’ve been to challenge for the playoffs but having been in the top two all season so far, fans expectations tend to change a little bit, so interesting times at the Riverside Stadium.

They were absolutely flying when we played them at St Mary’s earlier on in the season and to be honest, they didn’t look that great in what turned out to be a 1-1 draw. They got their goal courtesy of a mad deflection that bounced over the goalkeeper and they spent the whole game setting out to kick the recently departed Finn Azaz all over the park. Hayden Hackney was the worst offender in that regard and not for the first time this season, he was grateful for a very lenient referee who allowed him to foul at will until the 89th minute when he finally booked him. Hackney was the star of a viral social media clip a few weeks ago when he took a wild swipe at an opponent and booted them up in the air and failed to get a red card which would have incidentally, have ruled him out of today’s game. His reputation as a footballer is positive however so it would be a surprise if he’s not in the Premier League next season, be it for Boro or for someone else.

Tonda Eckert has to get the Saints team sorted and playing in a positive fashion. Fans are not going to tolerate another stodgy shite performance like we put on against Millwall a few days ago. There needs to be attacking with pace and intent, not risk free bollocks where we just end up recycling the ball amongst our defenders. Away from home against one of the better sides of the division, should mean that there is a little bit more space to play when we win the ball, but only if we play quickly. If we don’t, Boro will have 11 behind the ball pretty quickly.

Apart from the aforementioned Azaz, who will be very keen to score another goal at the Riverside, we have another ex-Smoggy in our ranks in Cameron Archer, who had a relatively successful half season in the Championship there in 2023. After his non-performance gets Millwall however, I would anticipate him being on the bench. Boro have Matt Targett playing at centre-back at the moment, that is unless his rumoured return to Newcastle in a recall from his loan, happens before Sunday. Of course, we must also look out for the Luke Ayling Flop to see if he can beat the 2nd minute marker he managed at St Mary’s, when he belly-flops to the floor, under the slightest breath of an opponent.

Team news and we are at full strength (whatever that is). Josh Q is in for Captain Jack I guess, but the two are pretty interchangeable anyhow. Away we go and an early half chance as Manning puts in a low ball in from the left which bounces up off of Jander near the penalty spot and Adam Armstrong lashes at it with a left footed volley and it flies wide. Boro’s first attack sees Whittaker get trashed by THB on the edge of the box. Hackney play it short for another player to stop it before going for the far post and it’s narrowly wide as Baz flails across.

Morris from Middlesbrough thinks he’s some sort of Andrea Pirlo figure in the middle of midfield and as Boro try and play out, he goes to chip the ball over towards the left back but instead presents it straight to Finn Azaz on the edge of the box and this is the ex-Middlesbrough man’s moment to silence the crowd and he takes aim and…. totally fucks it and it goes 5 yards wide.

We win a corner on the right and we manage to work it back to our own goalkeeper. Baz launches it forward and it’s nodded on by Josh Q who has stayed up there, and Azaz picks up the ball on the left. It’s another chance for Finn to silence the crowd and he switches it on to his right foot and I’m sure that in his head his curled effort went into the far top corner but in reality it scuffed on the ground and the keeper just fell on it.

Boro are determined to keep playing out but when they get it up to the halfway line, Josh Q is playing like the big man that he is and he steams in and passes the ball first time through to Azaz once more and his low left footed cross is deflected to the edge of the box we’re Flynn Downes comes steaming in and he surely has to just smash the fucking thing but instead of that, he tries to place it in the corner and it gets blocked by the closest defender.

It’s all Saints though and Manning finds Scienza out on the left who cut it across to THB on the edge of the box on the right and he slips it to the overlapping Fellows who shoots and you know when Tom shoots that we don’t score and he aims at the near post and the keeper pushes it wide for a corner.

Azaz is actually having a very good game so far aside from his finishing, and he slides a lovely ball through the retreating defence to send Fellows clean through on goal and he advances with just the goalkeeper to beat but normal service is resumed and he shoots and you know it’s not fucking going in as he launches it into orbit. I love Tom Fellows but that effort and his finishing in general is all different kinds of abysmal.

Half time and we should be two up at least. Middlesbrough are still afloat thanks to our shite finishing and Malanda, their centre back who seems to be in the way of everything that we don’t launch into space.

Away we go and a nice combination between Fellows and Azaz, sees Fellows go across the pitch before teering it up for Scienza and back to Azaz who slides it into Armstrong on the penalty spot who takes a touch…. and he has to score but Malanda comes across and blocks it over the bar. Fuck off back to the MLS mate.

There is an unshakeable fear that we are going to regret missing all these chances and Burgzorg gets away down the left and THB blocked the cross away for a corner. They take it short and play it to the top of the penalty area and Targett slides a pass in between all our ball watchers to Whittaker on the left who has no one between him and Baz and he simply rolls the ball past him for fuck sake.

Now for the reaction from us. Oh, there isn’t one apart from Tonda replacing the very tired looking Casper Jander with Cam Bragg. Boro take a short free kick in their half to Luke Ayling who has time to look up and ping the ball over the top of the hopelessly our position ball watching Ryan Manning and Silveira takes it down superbly and motors into the box before rolling a bobbly effort through the apology of an effort to save it by Baz and on into the net. Shit from Manning – Shit from Bazunu.

We’ve gone now and Middleborough is pissing all over us. The ole’s have started and even when they lose the ball, Manning producers an absolutely shit clearance out to the edge of the box to give it back to them and then he produces his party piece of not stopping the cross coming in because why would he, because he never fucking does, and there is Whittaker to roll it into the net from 6 yards whilst our defenders ball watch again.. It’s pathetic.

Ruben Mark Two makes three more like for like substitutions with Welington, Archer and Jelert coming on for Manning, Armstrong and Fellows but it does nothing to arrest how fucking shit we are. Another short corner to the same spare man that was there on the first goal and Middlesbrough pass it through three or four half arsed pressing players before Hackney cuts inside and smashes it at Baz, who obligingly pushes it straight into the path of Brown, who can’t believe his luck, or he can’t believe how shit we are – one of the two. Four fucking nil.

The game has gone now of course, but we have a little bit of a token effort of getting back into it as as Azaz chips a ball into the box, which THB heads at the keeper, who fumbled it out but we don’t have anyone following it in. Tonda see that as his signal to throw on another striker and he’s actually gone to a flat back for with Josh Q being taken off, despite probably being the best one out for three central defenders today. Ross Stewart gets a short run out and the game ends. Wankers to a man – players and manager.

So, a disgusting second half performance where we have completely caved in and shipped four goals against the team who hadn’t scored for 7 1/2 hours. Fuck off, barely acknowledge the fans, get changed, get on your plane and fly home in time for tea I expect, you fucking twats. Think about the fans on the coaches and driving their cars after standing in the freezing cold watching that shit. It’s kind of the worst kind of betrayal when you give up like that.

What can you say about the goals we conceded? For the first one we have about nine defenders back in and around the penalty area but no one bothers to pick up the run of Whittaker and it’s an easy pass to find him for him to score. Groundhog Day – it’s not enough to just be in and around the penalty area – you have to actually do the work and take the responsibility after that and go with the runners. Again I put this goal down to the three at the back formation because THB is not in the right central defender slot where Whittaker scores from and Fellows is not in the right back area.

Second goal is completely the Ryan Manning show in the buildup, as he allows a ball to drift over his head to Silveira who takes a fantastic touch to earn himself the shooting opportunity and like the winning goal up at Oxford, the shot comes in from an angle, Baz dives late and it basically goes past him before he executes his ‘inverted dive that goes nowhere’ and apologetically lands in the net. Shit defending from Manning and shit goalkeeping. Neither of these phenomenons are a surprise.

The third goal was another Ryan Manning production as he initially gives the ball away with a piss weak clearance and then allows the cross to be pulled back to Whittaker through his legs as he put in about 25% effort to try and block the cross. He’s not alone – Flynn Downes had Whitaker and then loses him. THB and Wood are ball watching, marking space. It’s a cliche but space won;t score a goal but an unmarked striker quite often will.

The fourth goal was allowing Hayden Hackney a ridiculous amount of room on the right of our defence to get in a shot, which he mishit and Baz should of course hold onto it or push it wide and away from danger, but he does neither of those things and just shovels it back into the middle for a tap in.

Positives? Despite him disappearing down the tunnel in a strop – Finn Azaz actually played well. He set up virtually all the chances which we missed and squandered a couple himself. He sulked off the pitch at the end and is possibly reflecting on his ‘joining a club to get promoted’ comment after leaving Boro for the good ship Southampton. The first 50 minutes or so were quite decent but no one will remember that. Josh Q also showed some promise, looking like he was prepared to ‘be big’ and impose himself on opposition players. More of this required. Didn;t cover himself in glory on a couple of he goals however.

That second half is the whole club distilled into 45 minutes. Everything about the club is piss weak at the moment from players to manager to owners. The defending is of the worst kind but look at our back five and the goalkeeper and you won’t be surprised. For starters, we have a goalkeeper who doesn’t save a fucking thing and if he does, he just pushes it back out to any incoming forward. I guarantee there’s not an opposition manager who is not saying “shoot from anywhere and follow everything in because the keeper is shite…. and here are the stats to back it up”. It’s somewhat damning that Baz has been with us from age 20 to 24 and in full-time training all that time with full-time goalkeeping coaches, and he’s not improved at all. How do you not improve in four years? You’ve heard of inverted full-backs and false 9’s – we have an inverted goalkeeper, or is he a false goalkeeper.

Then you have the ball-watchers – Manning is one of the worst defenders I’ve ever seen and Tom Fellows is not a defender but a winger being played out of position. So you have three out of the six almost not fit for purpose. Then you have Nathan Wood and Josh Q who have the odd good defensive moment (repeat after me – defending is not about moments, it’s about consistency and doing the simple things well and often) but can’t pass the ball and then you have THB who today, seemed to struggle to stay in the right position because he naturally drifts towards the middle. In addition, the defensive screen in midfield gets overrun every single game in the second half as there is only two of them. It’s a shit show and it’s of Tonda Eckert’s making. If he recognizes it, he does nothing about it, especially in-game where he can’t meticulously plan anything. He like the guy playing football manager who picks the team and then fast forwards to the end to see the result and isn;t interested in influencing things as the game goes along.

Yes, we clearly have a tactically weak manager who has basically taken Will Still’s formation, tweaked it slightly for some initial success and has then been completely found out and now he’s a weak little rabbit in the headlights. The attacking tactics are weak – we are playing out from the back with three central defenders, only one of whom can pass the ball to anything like an acceptable standard. The opposition presses us so we inevitably end up lumping the ball to our 5 foot 7 forwards. Every team has sussed how to play against us now. We are piss-weak defensively – Middlesbrough obviously targetted playing the ball in behind the wing backs but Wonder Boy does nothing about it.

The problems of course started well before today with Tonda’s decisions. We’ve got his decision to change the goalkeeper when he first came in and that’s worked really well as well. The only hope for Tonda is to put his big boy pants on and start making some relatively radical fucking decisions and have the courage of his convictions, otherwise he’s going to go exactly the same way as Will Still, when we don’t even get near the playoffs at the end of the season. Interesting times are coming because the next two league games are at home and then it’s Pompey away. I would suggest he needs to win at least one of the home games and not get beat at Fratton Park or else the crowd is gonna turn on him and therefore Sport Republic again and we all know how that plays out.

We have a collection of physically and mentally weak players. They personally can’t help being small in stature, but they can certainly help their mentality of giving up as soon as it gets slightly difficult. As said before, we need to get Romeu up to speed, Charles and Stewart fit and McCarthy or a potential new keeper selected. Players who are over 5 ft 8 with a bit of physicality about them.

And the major weakness, bearing in mind that the fish rots from the head, is the ownership of Sports Republic and the football decisions that they make. They undoubtedly felt that they had to appoint Tonda after his opening burst as an interim manager, because they’ve fucked up so many times before. but at the moment it really looks like the inexperienced 32 year old route is becoming an “aren’t we fucking clever” cheap option shambles again. We all said at the time that he had no experience of turning around a faltering team and and so far, he has not done anything significant to correct this slump that we have now been in for six games. All he has done is rested a few players when the spreadsheet has told him to and that is really not going to cut it. Big decisions needed – not little tweaks that ultimately do fuck all.

No league game next but an opportunity to celebrate the 50th anniversary of our FA Cup win with a game at Doncaster, currently third bottom in League 1. I wonder if we’ll be able to spring a shock and win.

Up the Fucking Give Up Piss-Weak Saints